The Promise – Part 2

I took the med as instructed. omg. aku tidur 2 hari woi. aku cuma bgn utk gi toilet (tu pun berpaut kat dinding takut jatuh), and to drink some water. gila sedating. gajah pun tumbang. initially mmg mcm tu. lepas tu improve lah.

My Wrong Assumption

I was really hoping that pill was magical, that could make me smile again, immediately. boy, i was wrong. according to most literature, it took at least 2 weeks before u can see some improvement. so i just continue being alive, tapi tiada perasaan. numb. time moves so slowly i just wished i could sleep and not waking up, if waking up only means i need to deal with my depression 😦
So after 2 weeks, i was so surprised. and i have no words to describe i grateful i was. instead of i go back to Bandung by bus, my prof came to Karawang to see me. so we talk. and she diagnosed me as Type 2 Bipolar Disorder. she asked me to continue my meds. aku patuhi saje la. shes the pakar, not me. that meds mahal nak mampus, sebulan rm400.

Yeay!

Dengan susah payah dan berhempas pulas, aku berjaya settlekan all the district postings! to say i fully recovered, no i wasnt. but with the meds, at least i could function maybe at the lowest point of a man lol. episodes of extreme mood swings still there. eh lupa cerita bipolar 2 tu apa.

it is not a moodswing like PMS. if the episode of depression datang, i would be very depressed. another extrem of bipolar, but me maybe mild form of manic, they call it hypomania. i never try syabu, but fr someone that i know, what he explain about how syabu makes he feels, about the same of what i feel during hypo-mania. this part je la interesting. lain2 tak.

THE PROMISE

so why the title of these posts “The Promise”? because, i read The Promise of God.

during 1st Ramadhan, i walk to the nearest masjid. igt nak solat maghrib dulu baru berbuka. lapang je masjid tu. memang rasa tenang. aku capai kitab tafsir. aku buka secara rawak. ini ayat pertama yg aku baca.

5. Kerana sesungguhnya bersama setiap kesulitan, ada kemudahan.

6. Sesungguhnya bersama setiap kesulitan, ada kemudahan.

Surah al-Insyirah, ayat 5-6

at that moment, hati aku rasa lapang. rasa ada harapan untuk sembuh. sebelum ni aku skeptikal, aku tak dapat bayangkan yang aku akan kembali seperti dulu. tapi ini Janji Tuhan. aku yakin.

aku masih struggle dgn penyakit aku. mcm aku cakap tadi, akhirnya aku lulus universiti! yeay! malangnya, aku x dgr cakap prof aku utk sambung rawatan bila balik Malaysia nanti.

TRUST ME, IM A DOCTOR. ERRR, AM I??

Aku antara paling lambat dlm batch aku apply utk kerja sbg doktor dgn kerajaan malaysia. sbb aku masih rasa x stabil. sampai ayah aku bising. aku pun isi la form.
aku isi la Hospital X di Lembah Kelang sbg hospital pilihan. bukan sbb bajet org Key-El, tp sbb ada 3 kawan uni aku yg tolong aku, bagi aku support dulu waktu aku tak sihat di Bandung. kwn aku ada cakap “kau dtg la kerja sini. boleh kami tgk2kan kau. alhamdulillah, aku ada sahabat seperti mereka.

So U dont trust me that im a doctor?

Dont worry babe. i declare my illness waktu isi borang SPA tu. penyakit aku bukan antara penyakit yg kalau kau ada, mmg langsung x leh jd doktor, atau menjawat sebarang jawatan dlm perkhidmatan awam.
Go on. i know ada org akan sabo aku pasal ni. persoal kenapa aku diterima. tak kah aku membahayakan orang lain?

No. dont worry. i even performed above average during my housemenship. but then waktu first 2 months i noticed something was going on, again. in the beginning of the posting, orthopedics, i report to my supervisor about my condition. He was cool. He told me that if i compliance with my treatment, and so on, u could just function like everybody else. tp lepas aku rasa x sedap hati tu, aku jumpa doktor klinik untuk staff kat hospital aku untuk tulis surat rujukan ke HUKM.

Why HUKM?

Hospital i work at ada je pakar psikiatri. tp sbb aku nak lindungi P&C aku. pasal stigma, pasal rasa malu, pasal rasa self-worthlessness, low self-esteem semua tu masih ada. aku risau kalau org tau, org mungkin akan avoid aku, mengumpat pasal aku, cakap buruk pasal aku. ye la. obviously something is not right with my mental health.

So i went to HUKM, and get my treatment. too bad man. too bad. i started with 1 type of pill back in Bandung. then during the treatment period up until now, me my meds mcm “cuba-jaya”. aku faham, no one treatment that suits all. so it was really tedious. ada masa aku kena jumpa doktor weekly utk monitor efek ubat.

At one point, doktor try ubat baru. badan aku reject ubat tu. aku develop Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome. apa yg aku baca, kalau lambat treatment, boleh mati. nasib la tak.

Continue My Training

So I’d done with Ortho! no problem at all. thanks to doctor that treated me, to the pills, to all my supervisors/specialists, nurses, and most important of all,Β My Patients.
I love working as a doctor. i love human interactions. the more interaction i have, the more i learn about life. talking to them, helping me so much indeed. reminds me that i am not alone, the only one that suffering.
Bila sembang dgn pesakit, ada yg tak putus2 ucap terima kasih. got this 1 pakcik, personally for me it was irony for him to say thankyou. because we just chopped off one of his foot! but that procedure was necessary to save his life.
Lepas tu tgk ramai yg cedera teruk, operation, ambil masa untuk sembuh sepenuhnya, aku kagum dgn semangat mereka.
which reminds me, i need to have that spirit to continue my life!

2nd Posting. Obstetrics & Gynaecology. this posting i enjoy so much walaupun sibuk 12 jam x menyempat nak duduk, hanya mampu minum teh ais, at least ada gula utk supply energi. tp aku enjoy. again, i passed this dept, maybe, slightly above average comparing to others πŸ˜›
Up until by that time, i think only my bosses and supervisor knows my condition.

THE DEVIL

I enter a new department. Medicine. kerja mmg hectic. overwhelmed with everything. it wasn’t me only. yang normal takda sakit apa mcm aku pun nangis woiii bila kenang balik how shitty kitorg kena layan.
so, aku lapor diri dgn supervisor. nama dia LKP. dia acknowledged. then 1 time aku dpt mc 3 hari, doktor suruh rehat. ko kena tau, doktor pelatih mcm kami ni berkira kerja. kalau kau x dtg kerja walaupun kau sakit, dorg akan benci engko sbb rasa ko dah susah kan dorg.

and then perkara paling palat berlaku. supervisor babi aku tu pi kabar dekat boss lain, seniors, dgn colleagues aku doktor pelatih lain.

apa kau agak aku rasa time tu? apa? Tuhan je la tau. aku malu, rasa lemah, rasa stigmatized, rasa betrayed by that fucker (this is strictly P&C he is a doctor how could he do that??), rasa nak lesap dari bumi. aku x boleh nak berhadapan dgn org pun. walaupun pakguard bawah rumah.

aku rasa kecewa betul time tu. dgn susah payah dan penat aku cuba utk bangun semula, utk kembali sihat, dgn semangat yg positif, dgn harapan yg baik, tiba2 jadi macam ni kat aku. so, since then aku dpt cuti rehat yg panjang.

it was sad really. i really thought i could go through this period of sebagai doktor pelatih.
😦

THE REVIEW

utk mana2 penjawat awam yg tidak sihat, akan ada panel penilaian perubatan terdiri dr berbagai disiplin, mesyuarat diadakan di MMC. bukan doktor sahaja. dan bukan masalah melibatkan psikiatrik sahaja. sakit lain mcm TB, barah etc pun dorg akan review samada “fit to practice” or not.
Jawapan aku boleh agak. “not fit to practice”. so i cant return to work, n i need to get intensive treatment/ therapy with the doctors and psychologist at HUKM.

cuti mmg panjang. tp panjang bukan aku mampu buat apa2 lain dr tak buat apa2. gila kalau ada yg ckp “best la kau cuti panjang”.
no. aku rasa rugi masa waktu tu.
career kawan2 aku smua dah advanced. aku masih tertinggal di blkg. even kalau aku balik kerja, my colleagues semua muda bertahun2 dr aku.
again? mestila rasa malu dan rendah diri sbb aku expect org aku pandang serong terhadap aku.
aku nak rush utk sembuh. tp sembuh takes time. i wont tell u how long, but i read/watch videos about org yg ada pengalaman depression, bertahun. ada yg 3 tahun, 8 tahun, 10 tahun, even ada yg x fully recovered.

so aku sedar, target aku sementara dapatkan rawatan ni adalah utk sembuh, bukan untuk kejar apa2. bila igt balik, i dont live to compete. i live for myself. so dgn sabar dan yakin je la doktor dgn psychologist boleh bantu aku. walaupun aku skeptik yg ubat2 tu membantu aku. serius. tp aku cuba buat kelakar la sbb 1 of ubat aku Lithium. so kira aku mcm powerbank. kelakar tak? erm bye.

alhamdulillah, keadaan aku semakin pulih. even skrg aku berani dan yakin kata aku dah sembuh πŸ™‚
and im going back to work. dr masa susah yg aku lalui, mungkin ada gunanya utk bantu mereka yg sama nasib dgn aku. apa2pun aku berdoa agar org xperlu lalui apa yg aku lalui.

SO WHAT WORKS?

  1. compliance to your treatment. take your meds responsibly (currently im on 7 pills at night, 3 in the morning, with regular checking of my kidney function because lithium is toxic). go meet your psychiatrist and psychologist if u have appointments with them. so that they can monitor your progress. other than that, it is a prove of u that U WANT TO HELP YOURSELF, by seeking help from others.
  2. reach out. talk to people that u trust. most of the time u do not need any solution from them, but to know there are people that care for u, give u positive feeling of u dont suffer this alone.
  3. if u are a friend of someone who depressed, beware of barrier between u and him. because, listening to depressed people could drained your energy. if u are currently sad, do not know who to talk to, and really need someone, try BefriendersKL. i call them one. Ms. M answer my call. i was so relieved just but telling her what was in my head, how i view my self and fate that time. they are trained to listen. they might give u some ideas over some of your problems, might. but not absolute. contoh ko tgh sedih pasal xda duit. takkan dorg nak bg ko duit kan? πŸ˜›
  4. Abaikan manusia2 sampah disekeliling kau. bersepah. aku ada kenal beberapa org dulu, tapi aku tak suka mereka, atas alasan malas aku nak explain. mereka tau pasal masalah kesihatan aku. lepas dah mcm gaduh tu, mereka sabotage aku, malukan aku secara publik, u can guess through what? Twitter, antaranya. sindir aku mcm2. nak kata aku terasa, sikit tu adalah. tp aku malas nak react. what they want is your reaction. just dont give them. dorg bosan nanti, dorg kutuk la orang lain pula.
    It is not about how much people understand you. It is about how much u understand about yourself πŸ™‚
  5. Reading some stuffs – aku byk baca blog org yg depressed, how they cope with it, i learned from them, how now they live like normal people, even better, they strives so great in their career! boleh kata mcm smua career ada dlm blog tu. engineer, doctor, professor, teacher, dan lain2. so guys, we too, can recover, and keep on living.
  6. Aku juga byk baca buku berkaitan spiritual (not necessarily about religion). ada doktor saran aku utk baca pasal meditation/ mindfulness. based on research, these 2 mmg ada efek positif kepada otak, termasuk otak yg depressed melalui adalah kaedah scanning mereka tu. for me, it works.
  7. Start your day with something that could elevate your mood. listening to feel-good song, lagu2 yg acah2 bg semangat. tp ni aku x buat la. aku slalu pagi2 bangun, aku tgk TEDtalk kat youtube. byk isu mental dorg discuss, tp byk gak isu lain yg aku minat dorg discuss. mcm Astrophysics, Nature, Architecture, Awareness, dan lain2. for me, i feel joy learning new stuffs!
  8. Keep a diary/ journal. biasa pagi aku akan tulis plan aku utk hari tu, supaya hari aku lebih teratur. bila malam, aku reflect balik kejadian hari tu, dan tulis apa2 insiden yg penting.
    lain dr tu, boleh cuba mood-diary. internet byk template. tp tulis bodoh2 pun xpa. mcm dlm sehari, boleh rate pagi mood kau mcmana, tghari, petang, sblm tidur.
    apa perkara yg buat mood aku elok. apa trigger yg buat mood aku tak elok. so next time boleh tau apa yg boleh kau buat, apa yg kau perlu avoid.
    nasib Daiso jual murah. byk gila journal aku dah. skrg ni kalau aku baca balik, aku rasa kelakar dan sikit malu, sbb tak sangka i was that horrible waktu tgh tak sihat woi!!!
    see? from these 2, u can track down your progress!
  9. EXERCISE – part ni mmg org selalu abaikan. aku faham. tgh depressed, nak bgn dari katil pun perlu kerah sepenuh tenaga, apa lagi exercise lari2 kat taman kan? but i try to encourage myself, i bought running shoes. so dah beli mahal2, x pakai, rugi la kan? i start with light exercise. maybe until now pun still light exercise. Β i do 3x/week. also, research shown that exercise release hormon Endorphin, a “feel good” hormone, even ada ayat ni “exercise is as effective as antidepressant”.
    I totally agree!for me currently, i confident to say that i am recovered, despite there are risk episodes of my illness could relapse. hey! i survive twice! if it ever happen again (God forbid), just going through it again. and keep on living πŸ™‚

    Your friend,
    Johann ^_~v

 

Some facts about doctors and depression in the U.S:

1. 30% of first year residents/interns having symptoms of depression, but not all seek from psych, because the same issue everywhere. stigma, worried being seen as not competent enough, etc. and since doctors have easy access to medications, they tend to “self-medicate”, including ubat High-Alert mcm morphine etc.

2. Estimate 400 doctors in U.S. commit suicide each year.

I think the problem here is afraid to seek help
Do not know where to seek help
Do not know how to seek help

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Promise

i wrote several entries about depression lol, and none of them done properly. most sekerat jalan je.

This post i have no intention to really tell/share with u guys how i suffered, because by now, everyone (at least) knows that depression (in sense of medical – clinical depression) is real. although i can guarantee non of u who never experience depression, know how it feels. but “feel” is understatement. it is something that u “have”, not merely a feeling. more like it attached, becomes part of u.

Who am I?

I always think that i am nobody. nothing. waste of space. no self-esteem. feeling unworthy.

may be part of it involving how i was raised in a big family. i have 9 siblings, so i understand if i feel lack of attention fr my parents (feel = merely my perception, unnecessarily what is real. n i dont blame them. anak ramai kot lol). few of my siblings are really good at sports. always medalist. golds. anugerah olahragawan, olahragawati. oh. other than that, im not keen for any kind of competition. i dont see the point of competing. ok, so u the fastest runner in the world. what next?

out of 9 siblings, the only one that never jadi pengawas, of course it is me.
not that i want to be one, but from there i (wrongly) rationalize that im not as worthy as my other siblings.

my sis n bro masuk SBP. aku harian biasa-biasa je. so of course la dorg dpt extra treatment. jealous? maybe. try to achieve what the had done? tak pernah terfikir pun.
so i score 8As in PMR. big deal. i dont feel anything. nothing. so after ambil result, show them to my parents, and they so happy sampai peluk cium. i was like “what r u guys doingg??”

long story short, i enter medical school. u know how bad i feel at the beginning of it? because i never thought of becoming a doctor, let alone entering medical school. i have few friends who seems so passionated to be a doctor. but not me. u can guess what happen next. I BLAME MYSELF FOR STEALING THEIR OPPORTUNITY OF BECOMING DOCTORS! thats how bad i treat my self. i always see faults, never realized any good quality of me.

i was feeling depressed that time. so i met my uni-mentor. tell him what i felt, how i blame myself etc. he just smile. he was a very good man. i will never forget what he said to me.
“so rafshan, u think u steal your friends’ opportunity of being here, thinking that they deserve this than u r? rafshan. look at your friends here. didnt they have the same qualification as u? what makes u feel like that? academically, u deserve to be here. one more. as a muslim, i think u can guess the answer of my next question.” *tarik nafas*

“Rafshan, siapa sebenarnya yang menentukan Rafshan berada di sini? Rafshan? teman-teman Rafshan? siapa?”

that time aku nangis banjir teruk woiii. dgn suara terketar-ketar, aku jawab “Allah”.

he smiles. and he continued. “now Rafshan you are here. u have this chance. why dont u use this chance not to prove that u can do it, but as a sign of being grateful”.

ok, tu cerita awal2 aku masuk uni. sejak hari tu, aku cuba ikhlaskan apa yg aku belajar, lillahi.

Thesis & Anxiety

2 important bad events happened to me during this period tau. nak grad kena submit thesis.
1. supervisor sgt suka topik aku. aku pun suka. sbb dpt buat benda da lama aku curious. malangnya, i need to collect my samples from the Hospital kurang lebih mcm HKL. big, crowded, open space, bising. that was the first time aku sampai hospital tu. bila tgk suasana tu, aku bersandar kat dinding, aku nangis. aku x sanggup. rasa anxiety teruk gila, mcm nak meletup jantung. so i call my supervisor, at that time aku cakap aku nak tukar tajuk woiii! padahal dah progress sampai chapter 3. she asked me to meet her. she really motherly. success at convincing me to proceed with my thesis.
2. as seorg yg kelam kabut dan dok wat lek sampai masalah timbul, aku tak backup file thesis aku. by time chapter 3 tu la, harddisk corrupted. file aku hilang semua. aku nangis lagi. rasa tak sanggup dah penat lelah aku lesap mcm tu. aku sampai fikir xpa la extend 1 sem nak settlekan thesis ni. mcm x sempat. again, my supervisor, dia bg smgt. thesis tu semester 8. n kuliah/tutorial/lab mcm biasa. kena pandai curi masa nak settlekan.

Alhamdulillah. berjaya diselesaikan. kat sini aku nak bangga sikit. i score 93%. my supervisor even asked me that she wanted to use my thesis as teaching material for her master-students. ya Allah. bersyukur betul aku sbb usaha aku x sia2 begitu saja, bukan cuma sekadar memenuhi rak di perpustakaan yg takda org nak baca pun.

So Bila Depresi nya???

total we have 12 semester. final exam during 11 semester. final sem we only need to do district posting kena pindah randah tukar2 hospital, but no longer have any assessment/exams. some people enjoy it. but i was not. i hate berpindah rendah, kena adapt with new places and such. so aku tercampak ke Hospital Karawang. (Our main teaching Hospital is RSHS in Bandung)

was it the trigger?
partly, yes. i dont know what happened to me. i cried without reasonable reasons. cant sleep, cant eat, i lost 3 kg in 2 weeks. at first i never thought about if i were depressed. but my friends started noticing the changes in me. they said i speak less, makin serabai tak iron baju, slalu mcm lost in space dll.

ada kawan yg suggest mungkin aku clinical depression. u know, up until that time, i never believed in depression. yes i learn about it in preclinical n clinical years. all the mechanism, neurotrasmitter and mumbo jumbo terms n shits. aku faham teori, tp aku pelik HOW COME U CURE SADNESS WITH PILLS???

perkara ni berlanjutan. one of the criteria of depression, this all signs/symptoms (can google, if u want) last for at least 2 weeks. aku sempat call mak aku kata aku nak rehat, tak larat nak habiskan walaupun dah xda exam etc. tp dia suruh aku bertahan. so hari ke14, keadaan aku makin worsening. i took a bus, 2-3 hours journey back to RSHS, to meet my prof. another motherly figure. she was quite calm seeing me in that situation. i try to explain to her, but i lost for words. she did said “this can happen to anyone. for now, i treat u for Major Depression”, and “here i prescribe u some medication, we will meet in 2 weeks time, and at that time, we will talk about this”.

she was right. every sound, every light, every sense, every sensation, during that period, just doesnt make any sense. even if she give me advices during that particular time, i could not process. so why bother?

I Will Continue Immediately With Part 2 Right Away Since This Is Already So Longggg

Minor Thesis

this is more like a diary, a reminder to me.

belajar dulu 12 semester. semester 8 kena buat minor thesis. rasanya kat malaysia sebut final year project. dengan susah payah, keringat, tenaga, kos tinggi, serta air mata (air mata ni, for real)
dulu samada pilih topik yg disediakan, atau topik sendiri. aku memilih topik sendiri. it was easy topic.

Bacterial Contamination of Door Handles of Toilets for Health Care Workers As Risk Factor of Nosocomial Infection in Hospital X
– pasal identify bacteria yg biasa menyebabkan penyakit yg boleh dijangkiti ketika berada di lingkungan hospital, dari tombol pintu tandas petugas kesihatan.

aku dapat supervisor dari department ilmu kesihatan masyarakat. org kata pensyarah dr dept ni semua nya garang dan serius. mmg pun. aku assigned to Dr. Sharon. berdebar juga la.

bila jumpa dia, aku tgk dia sgt berminat dgn topik aku. lepas habis diskusi pertama, aku proceed dgn arahan dia. everything went well. she was strict and serious, but it was all ok.

macam biasa,
Bab 1 – Research Background
-idea aku dapat senang je. kalau faham route of infection, tangan ni sarang bakteria. bayangkan, petugas kesihatan/ doktor, dr pesakit ke pesakit dia periksa, menyentuh pesakit, dan lain2 permukaan fizikal mcm meja, bed curtain, dan juga tombol pintu tandas. seterusnya bakteria yg ada di tgn boleh dipindahkan ke pesakit lain, seterusnya berpotensi utk menyebabkan pesakit lain dijangkiti kuman lain sewaktu berada di hospital.
hospital pula mcm2 kuman bahaya ada. apa lg pesakit yg sistem pertahanan tubuh lemah, juga kanak2. sbb tu byk hospital x bg budak2 naik ward lawat pesakit, kalau x perlu. sbb budak2 pun pertahanan tubuh masih belum develop sepenuhnya.

Bab 2 – Literature Review
-yg ni paling sukar dan byk memakan waktu serta usaha. baca macam2 textbook, journal, utk cari point yg boleh support idea dr research aku.
-terhutang budi betul aku dgn Dr. Sharon, sbb dia fotostatkan material yg aku perlu, for free, serta journals berbayar.
-aku takut sebenarnya, sbb dia betul2 support projek aku, so aku xnak mengecewakan dia, atau buat ala kadar.
-dgn susah payah, managed utk siapakan literature review lebih 20m/s

Bab 3 – Methods
-yg ni agak basic. sbb methods y aku perlukan:
– dr beratus toilet di hospital tu, aku select random dgn random-sampling yg valid. sbyk 30. aku pun x tau knp 30, sbb tgk seniors byk buat sample utk research lebih kurang, 30.
Dr. Sharon pesan kat aku utk cari reference sah kenapa 30. aku try cari, x jumpa yg betul2 meyakinkan. dia ckp xpa, tp mungkin problem nanti bila seminar. panel examiner akan tanya.
– dpt sampel, aku swab tombol pintu tandas, masuk transport media supaya bakteria x mati, bawa pergi lab, “tanam” bakteria ni atas agar-agar khas utk bakteria tumbuh lebih banyak, lepas tu ada test utk kenal pasti species bakteria.

-ceritanya, aku kena travel 2 jam dr kampus utama utk ke hospital X. ok, first time aku sampai Hospital X, byk gila manusia. aku ada agoraphobia (phobia tpt terbuka dan byk manusia). aku sesak nafas, rasa nak pengsan. aku pergi dinding, bersandar, nangis lol.
aku sampai call Dr. Sharon, minta tukar topik sbb aku panik. dia berjaya tenangkan aku. gila semata2 phobia, aku nak tukar topik. dah la dah siap sampai chapter 3 projek aku ni. aku buat 2 round. each round 15 sample.

-lepas tu aku ada meeting dgn Dr. Sharon lagi. dia puas hati dgn progres projek aku. dia sgt berminat, lepas tu tanya aku boleh tambah sampel lagi 30, so total 60. sbb dia kata lebih byk sampel, result aku lebih valid. setuju.
tapi aku diam jap. sbb proses dia agak panjang, dan mahal. utk 30 sampel, aku habis rm600.
aku cakap kat dia, ada keterbatasan dari dana/modal.
dia cakap, kalau aku setuju, dia boleh sponsor aku. OMG. aku rasa makin sedikit beban. sbb kalau dia keluar duit lg utk aku, aku rasa makin sedikit tertekan sbb aku ada tanggungjawab lebih utk pastikan projek aku betul2 sempurna.
aku tolak dgn cara baik tawaran dia. dia kata its ok.

Kenapa Aku Nangis?

– so aku dgn tak cukup tidurnya, stress pasal nak selesaikan projek ni, apa lagi aku dah siap kan dekat 40m/s, semuanya lesap begitu saja. da la dalam masa yg sama, semester 8 tu kami kena redah macam biasa, kelas, tutorial, lab, lectures, berjalan spt biasa. mmg kena juggling habis lah utk selesaikan semester 8.
– aku konfiden time tu my laptop will never have problem. aku ada 1 backup dlm thumbdrive. sekali tu aku on laptop aku. skrin keluar mesej ERROR. aku panik gila. so mmg laptop aku harddisk crashed. semua hilang. dari bab 1 sampai bab 3. ok aku dah bergenang air mata.
-lepas tu aku baru igt, yg thumbdrive aku hilang di cc.
-aku mmg nangis teruk woiiii!!! berbulan aku spent utk selesaikan semua tu. bodoh bodoh nya aku bodoh. salah aku la kan? x backup banyak, x backup sent pi email, x backup. argh sapa aku nak salahkan lain dr aku sendiri?
sempat murung. aku inform Dr. Sharon, dia suruh aku bersabar.
aku fikir dah time tu, memang aku kena extent 1 semester utk selesaikan projek ni. sbb mcm tak sempat. teruk betul aku time tu.
-tapi aku xnak extend. so aku start dr awal, untuk tulis semula semuanya. alhamdulillah, aku dpt selesaikan, bersama dgn methods, ekperimen, results, conclusion, dah edit cantik2 format, submit projek utk seminar dgn panel.

Aku Nangis Buat Kali Yang Kedua

-sebelum ujian, Dr. Sharon pesan, Thesis yg bagus adalah thesis yg tidak menimbulkan keraguan. bila ditanya soalan, aku boleh jawab dgn merujuk kepada thesis yg dah print, bind cantik2 tu. aku mengerti. tp dia masih sedikit risau pasal kenapa sampel 30. tp aku pun dah malas nak cari kenapa sampel 30. Β hoho

-seminar ujian. aku present cukup dibawah waktu yg ditetapkan. panel examiner mula tanya soalan. setiap soalan aku bg jawapan dr thesis aku. “berkenaan soalan dokter, itu boleh dirujuk pada thesis ini, di muka surat sekian2”. aku tgk panel dah setuju, angguk2 semuanya. sampai satu dokter ni, dia tanya “dari mana kamu dpt kalau sampel harus 30?” haha. of course la aku x dpt jawab.
-masing2 panel seterusnya komen, semua memberi komen positif. aku diminta keluar dari bilik tu kejap utk mereka memberikan nilai. aku dipanggil masuk semula.
-aku diberitahu yg aku dapat markah 92%. ya Allah. rasa nak nangis lagi,
sbb at that moment aku teringat susah payah aku redah projek ni, byk dugaan, dgn phobia aku, dgn projek yg lesap sebab takda backup, dgn duit yg banyak, dgn lain2 usaha aku. sungguh aku tak sangka.

-lepas ucap terima kasih, aku blah dr bilik tu. ada kawan2 aku diluar tunggu giliran. mereka tanya aku how was it? tiba2 ada satu dokter panel di belakang aku tepuk2 bahu aku, dia cakap kat kawan2 aku. “his presentation is the best so far”.
rasa jatuh jap jantung aku dapat appreciation sampai macam tu sekali.

Aku Tak Sangka

lepas setahun lebih, Dr. Sharon email aku, kalau aku boleh send dia copies projek aku dlm bentuk word.doc dan .pdf.
dia sampaikan kat aku kalau boleh dia nak gunakan projek aku utk kuliah dia kepada post-grad students dalam Kesihatan Masyarakat/ Public Health.
perasaan aku waktu tu sgt ekstatik. aku rasa bersyukur dgn segala usaha dan masalah yg aku tempuh sepanjang menghasilkan projek ni, tidak sia2. malah digunakan sbg material kuliah supervisor aku utk students dia. syukur lah.
sampai skrg aku masih berhubung dgn Dr. Sharon. aku sgt menghormati dia. selain meeting dgn dia diskusi ttg projek aku, dia banyak mengajar aku tentang kehidupan yg bermakna.

Terima Kasih Dr. Sharon, dan semua pensyarah, kawan2, petugas Hospital, lab assistant, kawan2, dan semua yg telah membantu aku. Hanya Tuhan yang mampu untuk membalas jasa kalian semua.

The Prelude – Depression

Preclinical years
– ada belajar teori pasal depresi. waktu tu igt depresi ni mcm sedih2 bodoh mcm tu, so x fokus/peduli sgt topik tu. dan rasa pelik juga kesedihan boleh/perly diubati dgn ubat? nasib la ujian viva x dpt kes tu. kalau x mesti melingkup because psychiatry was so boring. it was like.

Clinical years
–Β 
posting psych. posting paling relax. pensyarah best. dorg pun relax. tp xleh imagine hidup dorg, hari2 dgr keluh kesah pesakit di klinik. sbb tu yg terlibat dgn psych, pakar psych, psychologist, dorg ada “hazard leave” 2 minggu extra banding dept. lain. sbb hazard kot kerja dorg, human are toxic.

– one time, lepak kat klinik, assist residen. ada seorg pesakit perempuan middle age. aku tgk cincin dia besar. agak org senang la ni. pakaian agak bergaya. bila dia masuk klinik, residen aku tanya dia is it ok for us students to be there in the clinic? sbb ujung2 consent pesakit juga kan. she did not mind.

-lepas tu, residen tanya dia why she come to the clinic that day? the first thing that came out from her mouth, was crying. tak sempat cakap apa2 lagi. aku mcm, “biar betul?? chill sudeh”. from her history, dia seorg motivator, keluarga org senang, ada family yg almost perfect. so why the hell someone yg ada duit, kerja memotivasikan org lain, now perlu bantuan org lain utk masalah dia? dr apa yg aku faham, underlying problem dia, adik dia gaduh kecil dgn husband dia. tp dia punya sedih very out of proportion.

-sumpah aku rasa pelik. perlu kah sampai nangis mcm tu? utk CLINICAL depression ni ada checklist signs n symptoms. so she fitted into the picture of clinical depression. doktor residen td pun prescribe anti depression, and to come again to the clinic in 2 weeks time.

-lepas selesai residen aku dgn pesakit tu, kitorg pun pelik, masalah pesakit tu trivial gila, tapi kenapa sampai mcm tu? residen aku jawab
“kalau putus cinta dan bersedih, itu normal”
“kalau bersedih tanpa alasan yg pasti, itu tidak normal”
of course clinical depression tidak normal. its an illness.

me and my friends pun was like “ooohhh….”
mcm tu rupanya org depressed.

to be continue

entri motivasi??!

so i told people on twitter im gonna post an entry about motivation, which actually im gonna write stories about, myself..

-Menengah Rendah
coming fr a large family (9 siblings), i think its sort of “normal” for parents to not really looking at u. compared to my sis and bro, they get accepted to SBP. while myself, sambung masuk sekolah gereja.
at first jeles je aku tgk parents pi asrama mereka ujung minggu with coke maggi kfc and any shitz they asked. sbb aku kat rumah xdpt layanan sama. VERY DOUBLE STANDARD – thats what i thought.
after get a quite good result where almost sent the whole school in to chaos like “Raf 7A1B!!?? but howw?? what was his B??!~~
it was agama islam. and people mula bertenang, sama2 ber-Ooooo.

offer to SBP diterima. i told my dad, no. i dont want to shift school. so i keep enjoying days at my former school with my friends, until one time when i was lepak, dad cal me told me that he already register my name at that SBP!
so i maki hamun apa semua WHERE GOT MTV THERE? THERE CANT WATCH TV DURING WEEKENED SO WHEN I CANWATCH TV?? AND WHAT THEY HAVE NASI KAWAH FOR STUDENTS? OMG dan byk lagi kata2 carut.

the most unbelievable that these asrama kids doing is
school – prep petang – prep malam
as in x cukup sekolah pg, ptg dan malam kena stay kat kelas pula i am no way to this.

everyweek parents dtg send food, like, kfc, coke, cokelat (just what i jealous about las time), i tell my mom “i hate this school. mau tukar sekolah”.

my mom “sabar lah dulu. sekarang kau benci kami sebab paksa kau masuk sekolah ni. suatu hari nanti kau akan bersyukur sbb kami paksa kau masuk sekolah ni.”
true enough, i still missing my school :’)

one time, me and few friends were sitting at a bench facing laut cina selatan, and sunset.
we were talking about, hala tuju dan cita-cita. mrk sembang lah, nak jadi geologis, nak jd engineer it, nk jd cikgu. sampai lah turn Sidek

“Raf nanti belajar kau mau pilih apa? apa cita2 ko?”

R:”KFC pun mcm ok. aku dgr boleh dpt lunch free so safe duit gaji”(i wasnt joking when i answer them this)

“betul2 ba raf!”

R:”iya la ba. abis tu abis sekolah apa kita boleh buat?”

“astaga kau betul ka ni? abis sekolah nt mcm2 boleh sambung belajar. sampai masuk universiti. boleh pilih spesifik kau minat bidang apa”

“erm. ok lah. kalau mcm tu, aku mau jadi doktor. ada gelar doktor siap2.

and thats how about almost everything started. i never knew about what to do after highschool, i thought, this is all it. and then along the way people shows ways to go.

bersambung

p/s: i think i did write a story about my disaster in chemistry? if not i write about it later

 

 

 

recovery is not a destination. recovery is a journey. (for depressed people) -quote from someone i forgot the name-

reminder to me

sideksani

because it never left.
even with expensive medications and hours of counselling/therapy.
so why wait? u will not recovered if u just lying there on your bed for days.

some people survived until death due to natural cause.
or some chose to commit suicide.

of course i prefer the former.

what works for me?
journal.
i wrote about this last time, but lets see itΒ into details. i try to spend about 30 minutes everyday to write in my journal. actually this method proven by scientific researches, mostly to help cope with stress, and to the extend of depression.
i write at night, usually before going to sleep.
1. mood
-this help me to see my mood pattern through the day.
-and also, including events associated with the my particular mood, what cause me to feel sad, depressed, or happy. later, maybe later, i could avoid such events that leads me…

View original post 334 more words

Adik di Pojokan

Biasala aku suka menulis. nak tulis fiksyen deep deep sgt takda idea. tp aku rasa byk yg aku perhatikan sepanjang aku bernafas tak kurang menariknya.

Sebagai pelajar praktikal di department Ilmu Kesihatan Anak, kena oncall 4 petang – 6 pagi di unit kecemasan. tp enjoy. mcm2 boleh belajar. kalau baik dgn residen (post grad doc), dorg baik dgn kita. kalau tak mmg kena maki hamun la. tp kadang mrk x peduli kau pun.

ada satu ibu ni, dgn anak dia mungkin 5 tahun. ibu tu mcm cuak terok. aku x pasti anak dia sakit apa. ibu tu approach satu dokter residen ni. residen tu tanya kartu daftar, tp ibu tu x mampu daftar katanya. dokter residen tu pun suruh si ibu bawa anak dia ke pojokan. mungkin di situ lebih privasi?

Aku assist la dokter residen tu. dah periksa apa semua, dokter tu tulis preskripsi. ibu tu tak mampu beli ubat tu 😦

dokter residen tu panggil aku jauh dr org lain, dia hulur aku duit, minta tolong aku belikan ubat utk adik tu.

lain mcm rasa dia bila kemulian berlaku depan mata kau.

aku pun keluar dr hospital lari pergi ke farmasi terdekat, beli semua ubat tu.

kembali ke unit kecemasan di hospital tu, aku serah semua ubat tu kat dokter tu, dan dia serah kan ke si ibu td. 

si ibu tak putus2 ucap terima kasih…

pesakit tak daftar tapi dokter tu periksa dgn ikhlas. x berduit utk ubat, dokter tu mengeluarkan biaya sendiri.

bila tgk benda mcm ni, mmg berkaca mata aku. haha

altruisme mutlak.

hendaknya ingin aku contohi dokter tadi… πŸ™‚