Minor Thesis

this is more like a diary, a reminder to me.

belajar dulu 12 semester. semester 8 kena buat minor thesis. rasanya kat malaysia sebut final year project. dengan susah payah, keringat, tenaga, kos tinggi, serta air mata (air mata ni, for real)
dulu samada pilih topik yg disediakan, atau topik sendiri. aku memilih topik sendiri. it was easy topic.

Bacterial Contamination of Door Handles of Toilets for Health Care Workers As Risk Factor of Nosocomial Infection in Hospital X
– pasal identify bacteria yg biasa menyebabkan penyakit yg boleh dijangkiti ketika berada di lingkungan hospital, dari tombol pintu tandas petugas kesihatan.

aku dapat supervisor dari department ilmu kesihatan masyarakat. org kata pensyarah dr dept ni semua nya garang dan serius. mmg pun. aku assigned to Dr. Sharon. berdebar juga la.

bila jumpa dia, aku tgk dia sgt berminat dgn topik aku. lepas habis diskusi pertama, aku proceed dgn arahan dia. everything went well. she was strict and serious, but it was all ok.

macam biasa,
Bab 1 – Research Background
-idea aku dapat senang je. kalau faham route of infection, tangan ni sarang bakteria. bayangkan, petugas kesihatan/ doktor, dr pesakit ke pesakit dia periksa, menyentuh pesakit, dan lain2 permukaan fizikal mcm meja, bed curtain, dan juga tombol pintu tandas. seterusnya bakteria yg ada di tgn boleh dipindahkan ke pesakit lain, seterusnya berpotensi utk menyebabkan pesakit lain dijangkiti kuman lain sewaktu berada di hospital.
hospital pula mcm2 kuman bahaya ada. apa lg pesakit yg sistem pertahanan tubuh lemah, juga kanak2. sbb tu byk hospital x bg budak2 naik ward lawat pesakit, kalau x perlu. sbb budak2 pun pertahanan tubuh masih belum develop sepenuhnya.

Bab 2 – Literature Review
-yg ni paling sukar dan byk memakan waktu serta usaha. baca macam2 textbook, journal, utk cari point yg boleh support idea dr research aku.
-terhutang budi betul aku dgn Dr. Sharon, sbb dia fotostatkan material yg aku perlu, for free, serta journals berbayar.
-aku takut sebenarnya, sbb dia betul2 support projek aku, so aku xnak mengecewakan dia, atau buat ala kadar.
-dgn susah payah, managed utk siapakan literature review lebih 20m/s

Bab 3 – Methods
-yg ni agak basic. sbb methods y aku perlukan:
– dr beratus toilet di hospital tu, aku select random dgn random-sampling yg valid. sbyk 30. aku pun x tau knp 30, sbb tgk seniors byk buat sample utk research lebih kurang, 30.
Dr. Sharon pesan kat aku utk cari reference sah kenapa 30. aku try cari, x jumpa yg betul2 meyakinkan. dia ckp xpa, tp mungkin problem nanti bila seminar. panel examiner akan tanya.
– dpt sampel, aku swab tombol pintu tandas, masuk transport media supaya bakteria x mati, bawa pergi lab, “tanam” bakteria ni atas agar-agar khas utk bakteria tumbuh lebih banyak, lepas tu ada test utk kenal pasti species bakteria.

-ceritanya, aku kena travel 2 jam dr kampus utama utk ke hospital X. ok, first time aku sampai Hospital X, byk gila manusia. aku ada agoraphobia (phobia tpt terbuka dan byk manusia). aku sesak nafas, rasa nak pengsan. aku pergi dinding, bersandar, nangis lol.
aku sampai call Dr. Sharon, minta tukar topik sbb aku panik. dia berjaya tenangkan aku. gila semata2 phobia, aku nak tukar topik. dah la dah siap sampai chapter 3 projek aku ni. aku buat 2 round. each round 15 sample.

-lepas tu aku ada meeting dgn Dr. Sharon lagi. dia puas hati dgn progres projek aku. dia sgt berminat, lepas tu tanya aku boleh tambah sampel lagi 30, so total 60. sbb dia kata lebih byk sampel, result aku lebih valid. setuju.
tapi aku diam jap. sbb proses dia agak panjang, dan mahal. utk 30 sampel, aku habis rm600.
aku cakap kat dia, ada keterbatasan dari dana/modal.
dia cakap, kalau aku setuju, dia boleh sponsor aku. OMG. aku rasa makin sedikit beban. sbb kalau dia keluar duit lg utk aku, aku rasa makin sedikit tertekan sbb aku ada tanggungjawab lebih utk pastikan projek aku betul2 sempurna.
aku tolak dgn cara baik tawaran dia. dia kata its ok.

Kenapa Aku Nangis?

– so aku dgn tak cukup tidurnya, stress pasal nak selesaikan projek ni, apa lagi aku dah siap kan dekat 40m/s, semuanya lesap begitu saja. da la dalam masa yg sama, semester 8 tu kami kena redah macam biasa, kelas, tutorial, lab, lectures, berjalan spt biasa. mmg kena juggling habis lah utk selesaikan semester 8.
– aku konfiden time tu my laptop will never have problem. aku ada 1 backup dlm thumbdrive. sekali tu aku on laptop aku. skrin keluar mesej ERROR. aku panik gila. so mmg laptop aku harddisk crashed. semua hilang. dari bab 1 sampai bab 3. ok aku dah bergenang air mata.
-lepas tu aku baru igt, yg thumbdrive aku hilang di cc.
-aku mmg nangis teruk woiiii!!! berbulan aku spent utk selesaikan semua tu. bodoh bodoh nya aku bodoh. salah aku la kan? x backup banyak, x backup sent pi email, x backup. argh sapa aku nak salahkan lain dr aku sendiri?
sempat murung. aku inform Dr. Sharon, dia suruh aku bersabar.
aku fikir dah time tu, memang aku kena extent 1 semester utk selesaikan projek ni. sbb mcm tak sempat. teruk betul aku time tu.
-tapi aku xnak extend. so aku start dr awal, untuk tulis semula semuanya. alhamdulillah, aku dpt selesaikan, bersama dgn methods, ekperimen, results, conclusion, dah edit cantik2 format, submit projek utk seminar dgn panel.

Aku Nangis Buat Kali Yang Kedua

-sebelum ujian, Dr. Sharon pesan, Thesis yg bagus adalah thesis yg tidak menimbulkan keraguan. bila ditanya soalan, aku boleh jawab dgn merujuk kepada thesis yg dah print, bind cantik2 tu. aku mengerti. tp dia masih sedikit risau pasal kenapa sampel 30. tp aku pun dah malas nak cari kenapa sampel 30.  hoho

-seminar ujian. aku present cukup dibawah waktu yg ditetapkan. panel examiner mula tanya soalan. setiap soalan aku bg jawapan dr thesis aku. “berkenaan soalan dokter, itu boleh dirujuk pada thesis ini, di muka surat sekian2”. aku tgk panel dah setuju, angguk2 semuanya. sampai satu dokter ni, dia tanya “dari mana kamu dpt kalau sampel harus 30?” haha. of course la aku x dpt jawab.
-masing2 panel seterusnya komen, semua memberi komen positif. aku diminta keluar dari bilik tu kejap utk mereka memberikan nilai. aku dipanggil masuk semula.
-aku diberitahu yg aku dapat markah 92%. ya Allah. rasa nak nangis lagi,
sbb at that moment aku teringat susah payah aku redah projek ni, byk dugaan, dgn phobia aku, dgn projek yg lesap sebab takda backup, dgn duit yg banyak, dgn lain2 usaha aku. sungguh aku tak sangka.

-lepas ucap terima kasih, aku blah dr bilik tu. ada kawan2 aku diluar tunggu giliran. mereka tanya aku how was it? tiba2 ada satu dokter panel di belakang aku tepuk2 bahu aku, dia cakap kat kawan2 aku. “his presentation is the best so far”.
rasa jatuh jap jantung aku dapat appreciation sampai macam tu sekali.

Aku Tak Sangka

lepas setahun lebih, Dr. Sharon email aku, kalau aku boleh send dia copies projek aku dlm bentuk word.doc dan .pdf.
dia sampaikan kat aku kalau boleh dia nak gunakan projek aku utk kuliah dia kepada post-grad students dalam Kesihatan Masyarakat/ Public Health.
perasaan aku waktu tu sgt ekstatik. aku rasa bersyukur dgn segala usaha dan masalah yg aku tempuh sepanjang menghasilkan projek ni, tidak sia2. malah digunakan sbg material kuliah supervisor aku utk students dia. syukur lah.
sampai skrg aku masih berhubung dgn Dr. Sharon. aku sgt menghormati dia. selain meeting dgn dia diskusi ttg projek aku, dia banyak mengajar aku tentang kehidupan yg bermakna.

Terima Kasih Dr. Sharon, dan semua pensyarah, kawan2, petugas Hospital, lab assistant, kawan2, dan semua yg telah membantu aku. Hanya Tuhan yang mampu untuk membalas jasa kalian semua.

The Prelude – Depression

Preclinical years
– ada belajar teori pasal depresi. waktu tu igt depresi ni mcm sedih2 bodoh mcm tu, so x fokus/peduli sgt topik tu. dan rasa pelik juga kesedihan boleh/perly diubati dgn ubat? nasib la ujian viva x dpt kes tu. kalau x mesti melingkup because psychiatry was so boring. it was like.

Clinical years
– 
posting psych. posting paling relax. pensyarah best. dorg pun relax. tp xleh imagine hidup dorg, hari2 dgr keluh kesah pesakit di klinik. sbb tu yg terlibat dgn psych, pakar psych, psychologist, dorg ada “hazard leave” 2 minggu extra banding dept. lain. sbb hazard kot kerja dorg, human are toxic.

– one time, lepak kat klinik, assist residen. ada seorg pesakit perempuan middle age. aku tgk cincin dia besar. agak org senang la ni. pakaian agak bergaya. bila dia masuk klinik, residen aku tanya dia is it ok for us students to be there in the clinic? sbb ujung2 consent pesakit juga kan. she did not mind.

-lepas tu, residen tanya dia why she come to the clinic that day? the first thing that came out from her mouth, was crying. tak sempat cakap apa2 lagi. aku mcm, “biar betul?? chill sudeh”. from her history, dia seorg motivator, keluarga org senang, ada family yg almost perfect. so why the hell someone yg ada duit, kerja memotivasikan org lain, now perlu bantuan org lain utk masalah dia? dr apa yg aku faham, underlying problem dia, adik dia gaduh kecil dgn husband dia. tp dia punya sedih very out of proportion.

-sumpah aku rasa pelik. perlu kah sampai nangis mcm tu? utk CLINICAL depression ni ada checklist signs n symptoms. so she fitted into the picture of clinical depression. doktor residen td pun prescribe anti depression, and to come again to the clinic in 2 weeks time.

-lepas selesai residen aku dgn pesakit tu, kitorg pun pelik, masalah pesakit tu trivial gila, tapi kenapa sampai mcm tu? residen aku jawab
“kalau putus cinta dan bersedih, itu normal”
“kalau bersedih tanpa alasan yg pasti, itu tidak normal”
of course clinical depression tidak normal. its an illness.

me and my friends pun was like “ooohhh….”
mcm tu rupanya org depressed.

to be continue

entri motivasi??!

so i told people on twitter im gonna post an entry about motivation, which actually im gonna write stories about, myself..

-Menengah Rendah
coming fr a large family (9 siblings), i think its sort of “normal” for parents to not really looking at u. compared to my sis and bro, they get accepted to SBP. while myself, sambung masuk sekolah gereja.
at first jeles je aku tgk parents pi asrama mereka ujung minggu with coke maggi kfc and any shitz they asked. sbb aku kat rumah xdpt layanan sama. VERY DOUBLE STANDARD – thats what i thought.
after get a quite good result where almost sent the whole school in to chaos like “Raf 7A1B!!?? but howw?? what was his B??!~~
it was agama islam. and people mula bertenang, sama2 ber-Ooooo.

offer to SBP diterima. i told my dad, no. i dont want to shift school. so i keep enjoying days at my former school with my friends, until one time when i was lepak, dad cal me told me that he already register my name at that SBP!
so i maki hamun apa semua WHERE GOT MTV THERE? THERE CANT WATCH TV DURING WEEKENED SO WHEN I CANWATCH TV?? AND WHAT THEY HAVE NASI KAWAH FOR STUDENTS? OMG dan byk lagi kata2 carut.

the most unbelievable that these asrama kids doing is
school – prep petang – prep malam
as in x cukup sekolah pg, ptg dan malam kena stay kat kelas pula i am no way to this.

everyweek parents dtg send food, like, kfc, coke, cokelat (just what i jealous about las time), i tell my mom “i hate this school. mau tukar sekolah”.

my mom “sabar lah dulu. sekarang kau benci kami sebab paksa kau masuk sekolah ni. suatu hari nanti kau akan bersyukur sbb kami paksa kau masuk sekolah ni.”
true enough, i still missing my school :’)

one time, me and few friends were sitting at a bench facing laut cina selatan, and sunset.
we were talking about, hala tuju dan cita-cita. mrk sembang lah, nak jadi geologis, nak jd engineer it, nk jd cikgu. sampai lah turn Sidek

“Raf nanti belajar kau mau pilih apa? apa cita2 ko?”

R:”KFC pun mcm ok. aku dgr boleh dpt lunch free so safe duit gaji”(i wasnt joking when i answer them this)

“betul2 ba raf!”

R:”iya la ba. abis tu abis sekolah apa kita boleh buat?”

“astaga kau betul ka ni? abis sekolah nt mcm2 boleh sambung belajar. sampai masuk universiti. boleh pilih spesifik kau minat bidang apa”

“erm. ok lah. kalau mcm tu, aku mau jadi doktor. ada gelar doktor siap2.

and thats how about almost everything started. i never knew about what to do after highschool, i thought, this is all it. and then along the way people shows ways to go.

bersambung

p/s: i think i did write a story about my disaster in chemistry? if not i write about it later

 

 

 

recovery is not a destination. recovery is a journey. (for depressed people) -quote from someone i forgot the name-

reminder to me

sideksani

because it never left.
even with expensive medications and hours of counselling/therapy.
so why wait? u will not recovered if u just lying there on your bed for days.

some people survived until death due to natural cause.
or some chose to commit suicide.

of course i prefer the former.

what works for me?
journal.
i wrote about this last time, but lets see it into details. i try to spend about 30 minutes everyday to write in my journal. actually this method proven by scientific researches, mostly to help cope with stress, and to the extend of depression.
i write at night, usually before going to sleep.
1. mood
-this help me to see my mood pattern through the day.
-and also, including events associated with the my particular mood, what cause me to feel sad, depressed, or happy. later, maybe later, i could avoid such events that leads me…

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Adik di Pojokan

Biasala aku suka menulis. nak tulis fiksyen deep deep sgt takda idea. tp aku rasa byk yg aku perhatikan sepanjang aku bernafas tak kurang menariknya.

Sebagai pelajar praktikal di department Ilmu Kesihatan Anak, kena oncall 4 petang – 6 pagi di unit kecemasan. tp enjoy. mcm2 boleh belajar. kalau baik dgn residen (post grad doc), dorg baik dgn kita. kalau tak mmg kena maki hamun la. tp kadang mrk x peduli kau pun.

ada satu ibu ni, dgn anak dia mungkin 5 tahun. ibu tu mcm cuak terok. aku x pasti anak dia sakit apa. ibu tu approach satu dokter residen ni. residen tu tanya kartu daftar, tp ibu tu x mampu daftar katanya. dokter residen tu pun suruh si ibu bawa anak dia ke pojokan. mungkin di situ lebih privasi?

Aku assist la dokter residen tu. dah periksa apa semua, dokter tu tulis preskripsi. ibu tu tak mampu beli ubat tu 😦

dokter residen tu panggil aku jauh dr org lain, dia hulur aku duit, minta tolong aku belikan ubat utk adik tu.

lain mcm rasa dia bila kemulian berlaku depan mata kau.

aku pun keluar dr hospital lari pergi ke farmasi terdekat, beli semua ubat tu.

kembali ke unit kecemasan di hospital tu, aku serah semua ubat tu kat dokter tu, dan dia serah kan ke si ibu td. 

si ibu tak putus2 ucap terima kasih…

pesakit tak daftar tapi dokter tu periksa dgn ikhlas. x berduit utk ubat, dokter tu mengeluarkan biaya sendiri.

bila tgk benda mcm ni, mmg berkaca mata aku. haha

altruisme mutlak.

hendaknya ingin aku contohi dokter tadi… 🙂

be strong is a very strong word

I know what i want to do, but i do not know how to do.

i want to play game, but after 10 minutes i just turn of the game

i want to read something. anything. after 3 sentences i close the book.

i want to listen to music, not even half of the song, i turn off the music player.

i want to eat, but after one and a half spoon, i put away the food. into the fridge. may be i just eat it tomorrow. 

i want to smile, but seems theres no reason to.

i want to laugh, But laughing seems so expensive i couldnt afford it.

people told me to be strong. but i failed at it today. lets try tomorrow.

for now, i just want to rest. i want to sleep. theres some sleeping pills in the cabinet. yet sometimes, most of the time, it did not works. anyway just give it a try for now. 

:):

depends on how u see the emoticon above, it can be 🙂 or ):.

thats bipolar. anyways, after quite a period of minor symptoms of these 2 extremes, it hits me really hard last week

first, the hypo manic episode. I felt so good. i felt high. i felt that i can don anything. anything! yet after lots of meeting with my psych, they taught me about bow to differentiate What is “normal”, what is not. 

i need to emphasize the “hypo” there, because it is less severe than manic without hypo. My friend’s friend stabbed his father because of this manic. it comes from the word mania anywhere. oh well. crazy, u can say that.

only that what i was so euphoric, i paint to make me less agitated. kemas rumah, and so on. yet i couldnt read books / novels that time. my focus berterabur. Cant concentrate on one thing at a time. so at that one time, i paint, kemas ruma mop lantai, prepare my dinner all at once. 

very mutitasking. i didnt slept for 2 days straight. because i dont “feel” tired at all. something was bothering me though. because it is always after hypomanic, there come full blown depression. 

The problem is, all the “i feel i have lots of energy” was the mind tricking my body. when i crashed, i crashed badly. nak bangun dari katil pun rasa tak larat. It is always as bad as it is. I just cant describe it but as i am weak, i cried. hard. feeling like shouting to the whole world that I NEED HELP!, instead, I OD some relaxing meds and sleeping pills but not really OD sampai kena bawak pi spital la kan. too bad these pills are part of my own treatment plan, in “emergency” situation like this. 
Im not implying those anti depressant, moodstabilizer, anti psychotic didnt work. it works really, only as far as reducing chances of full relapse, or minimizing the symptoms. 

And also, during such time, i prefer to talk to people outside of health care related people. i dont want to listen to “did u take your meds” “it wont last long it is the same drills everytime” etc. Usually, randomly, i would scroll contacts on Whatsapp, and “bullying” anyone who willing to listen.

at times, i dont want to talk about my illness.

 maybe, i just want to talk about my feelings.
p/s: once, i had a very severe low back pain. and then i feel sad. and then the sadness blown out of proportion. and then, the depression say hello again to me. 

Hi, friend. long time no see :(: