The Prelude – Depression

Preclinical years
– ada belajar teori pasal depresi. waktu tu igt depresi ni mcm sedih2 bodoh mcm tu, so x fokus/peduli sgt topik tu. dan rasa pelik juga kesedihan boleh/perly diubati dgn ubat? nasib la ujian viva x dpt kes tu. kalau x mesti melingkup because psychiatry was so boring. it was like.

Clinical years
posting psych. posting paling relax. pensyarah best. dorg pun relax. tp xleh imagine hidup dorg, hari2 dgr keluh kesah pesakit di klinik. sbb tu yg terlibat dgn psych, pakar psych, psychologist, dorg ada “hazard leave” 2 minggu extra banding dept. lain. sbb hazard kot kerja dorg, human are toxic.

– one time, lepak kat klinik, assist residen. ada seorg pesakit perempuan middle age. aku tgk cincin dia besar. agak org senang la ni. pakaian agak bergaya. bila dia masuk klinik, residen aku tanya dia is it ok for us students to be there in the clinic? sbb ujung2 consent pesakit juga kan. she did not mind.

-lepas tu, residen tanya dia why she come to the clinic that day? the first thing that came out from her mouth, was crying. tak sempat cakap apa2 lagi. aku mcm, “biar betul?? chill sudeh”. from her history, dia seorg motivator, keluarga org senang, ada family yg almost perfect. so why the hell someone yg ada duit, kerja memotivasikan org lain, now perlu bantuan org lain utk masalah dia? dr apa yg aku faham, underlying problem dia, adik dia gaduh kecil dgn husband dia. tp dia punya sedih very out of proportion.

-sumpah aku rasa pelik. perlu kah sampai nangis mcm tu? utk CLINICAL depression ni ada checklist signs n symptoms. so she fitted into the picture of clinical depression. doktor residen td pun prescribe anti depression, and to come again to the clinic in 2 weeks time.

-lepas selesai residen aku dgn pesakit tu, kitorg pun pelik, masalah pesakit tu trivial gila, tapi kenapa sampai mcm tu? residen aku jawab
“kalau putus cinta dan bersedih, itu normal”
“kalau bersedih tanpa alasan yg pasti, itu tidak normal”
of course clinical depression tidak normal. its an illness.

me and my friends pun was like “ooohhh….”
mcm tu rupanya org depressed.

to be continue

entri motivasi??!

so i told people on twitter im gonna post an entry about motivation, which actually im gonna write stories about, myself..

-Menengah Rendah
coming fr a large family (9 siblings), i think its sort of “normal” for parents to not really looking at u. compared to my sis and bro, they get accepted to SBP. while myself, sambung masuk sekolah gereja.
at first jeles je aku tgk parents pi asrama mereka ujung minggu with coke maggi kfc and any shitz they asked. sbb aku kat rumah xdpt layanan sama. VERY DOUBLE STANDARD – thats what i thought.
after get a quite good result where almost sent the whole school in to chaos like “Raf 7A1B!!?? but howw?? what was his B??!~~
it was agama islam. and people mula bertenang, sama2 ber-Ooooo.

offer to SBP diterima. i told my dad, no. i dont want to shift school. so i keep enjoying days at my former school with my friends, until one time when i was lepak, dad cal me told me that he already register my name at that SBP!

the most unbelievable that these asrama kids doing is
school – prep petang – prep malam
as in x cukup sekolah pg, ptg dan malam kena stay kat kelas pula i am no way to this.

everyweek parents dtg send food, like, kfc, coke, cokelat (just what i jealous about las time), i tell my mom “i hate this school. mau tukar sekolah”.

my mom “sabar lah dulu. sekarang kau benci kami sebab paksa kau masuk sekolah ni. suatu hari nanti kau akan bersyukur sbb kami paksa kau masuk sekolah ni.”
true enough, i still missing my school :’)

one time, me and few friends were sitting at a bench facing laut cina selatan, and sunset.
we were talking about, hala tuju dan cita-cita. mrk sembang lah, nak jadi geologis, nak jd engineer it, nk jd cikgu. sampai lah turn Sidek

“Raf nanti belajar kau mau pilih apa? apa cita2 ko?”

R:”KFC pun mcm ok. aku dgr boleh dpt lunch free so safe duit gaji”(i wasnt joking when i answer them this)

“betul2 ba raf!”

R:”iya la ba. abis tu abis sekolah apa kita boleh buat?”

“astaga kau betul ka ni? abis sekolah nt mcm2 boleh sambung belajar. sampai masuk universiti. boleh pilih spesifik kau minat bidang apa”

“erm. ok lah. kalau mcm tu, aku mau jadi doktor. ada gelar doktor siap2.

and thats how about almost everything started. i never knew about what to do after highschool, i thought, this is all it. and then along the way people shows ways to go.


p/s: i think i did write a story about my disaster in chemistry? if not i write about it later




recovery is not a destination. recovery is a journey. (for depressed people) -quote from someone i forgot the name-

reminder to me


because it never left.
even with expensive medications and hours of counselling/therapy.
so why wait? u will not recovered if u just lying there on your bed for days.

some people survived until death due to natural cause.
or some chose to commit suicide.

of course i prefer the former.

what works for me?
i wrote about this last time, but lets see itΒ into details. i try to spend about 30 minutes everyday to write in my journal. actually this method proven by scientific researches, mostly to help cope with stress, and to the extend of depression.
i write at night, usually before going to sleep.
1. mood
-this help me to see my mood pattern through the day.
-and also, including events associated with the my particular mood, what cause me to feel sad, depressed, or happy. later, maybe later, i could avoid such events that leads me…

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Adik di Pojokan

Biasala aku suka menulis. nak tulis fiksyen deep deep sgt takda idea. tp aku rasa byk yg aku perhatikan sepanjang aku bernafas tak kurang menariknya.

Sebagai pelajar praktikal di department Ilmu Kesihatan Anak, kena oncall 4 petang – 6 pagi di unit kecemasan. tp enjoy. mcm2 boleh belajar. kalau baik dgn residen (post grad doc), dorg baik dgn kita. kalau tak mmg kena maki hamun la. tp kadang mrk x peduli kau pun.

ada satu ibu ni, dgn anak dia mungkin 5 tahun. ibu tu mcm cuak terok. aku x pasti anak dia sakit apa. ibu tu approach satu dokter residen ni. residen tu tanya kartu daftar, tp ibu tu x mampu daftar katanya. dokter residen tu pun suruh si ibu bawa anak dia ke pojokan. mungkin di situ lebih privasi?

Aku assist la dokter residen tu. dah periksa apa semua, dokter tu tulis preskripsi. ibu tu tak mampu beli ubat tu 😦

dokter residen tu panggil aku jauh dr org lain, dia hulur aku duit, minta tolong aku belikan ubat utk adik tu.

lain mcm rasa dia bila kemulian berlaku depan mata kau.

aku pun keluar dr hospital lari pergi ke farmasi terdekat, beli semua ubat tu.

kembali ke unit kecemasan di hospital tu, aku serah semua ubat tu kat dokter tu, dan dia serah kan ke si ibu td. 

si ibu tak putus2 ucap terima kasih…

pesakit tak daftar tapi dokter tu periksa dgn ikhlas. x berduit utk ubat, dokter tu mengeluarkan biaya sendiri.

bila tgk benda mcm ni, mmg berkaca mata aku. haha

altruisme mutlak.

hendaknya ingin aku contohi dokter tadi… πŸ™‚

be strong is a very strong word

I know what i want to do, but i do not know how to do.

i want to play game, but after 10 minutes i just turn of the game

i want to read something. anything. after 3 sentences i close the book.

i want to listen to music, not even half of the song, i turn off the music player.

i want to eat, but after one and a half spoon, i put away the food. into the fridge. may be i just eat it tomorrow. 

i want to smile, but seems theres no reason to.

i want to laugh, But laughing seems so expensive i couldnt afford it.

people told me to be strong. but i failed at it today. lets try tomorrow.

for now, i just want to rest. i want to sleep. theres some sleeping pills in the cabinet. yet sometimes, most of the time, it did not works. anyway just give it a try for now. 


depends on how u see the emoticon above, it can be πŸ™‚ or ):.

thats bipolar. anyways, after quite a period of minor symptoms of these 2 extremes, it hits me really hard last week

first, the hypo manic episode. I felt so good. i felt high. i felt that i can don anything. anything! yet after lots of meeting with my psych, they taught me about bow to differentiate What is “normal”, what is not. 

i need to emphasize the “hypo” there, because it is less severe than manic without hypo. My friend’s friend stabbed his father because of this manic. it comes from the word mania anywhere. oh well. crazy, u can say that.

only that what i was so euphoric, i paint to make me less agitated. kemas rumah, and so on. yet i couldnt read books / novels that time. my focus berterabur. Cant concentrate on one thing at a time. so at that one time, i paint, kemas ruma mop lantai, prepare my dinner all at once. 

very mutitasking. i didnt slept for 2 days straight. because i dont “feel” tired at all. something was bothering me though. because it is always after hypomanic, there come full blown depression. 

The problem is, all the “i feel i have lots of energy” was the mind tricking my body. when i crashed, i crashed badly. nak bangun dari katil pun rasa tak larat. It is always as bad as it is. I just cant describe it but as i am weak, i cried. hard. feeling like shouting to the whole world that I NEED HELP!, instead, I OD some relaxing meds and sleeping pills but not really OD sampai kena bawak pi spital la kan. too bad these pills are part of my own treatment plan, in “emergency” situation like this. 
Im not implying those anti depressant, moodstabilizer, anti psychotic didnt work. it works really, only as far as reducing chances of full relapse, or minimizing the symptoms. 

And also, during such time, i prefer to talk to people outside of health care related people. i dont want to listen to “did u take your meds” “it wont last long it is the same drills everytime” etc. Usually, randomly, i would scroll contacts on Whatsapp, and “bullying” anyone who willing to listen.

at times, i dont want to talk about my illness.

 maybe, i just want to talk about my feelings.
p/s: once, i had a very severe low back pain. and then i feel sad. and then the sadness blown out of proportion. and then, the depression say hello again to me. 

Hi, friend. long time no see :(:

for the sake of a new entry

aku x tau nak rasa apa tadi. tadi jalan dgn mak, bawa dia makan cinnabon. being an emotionally fragile myself, she tried to cheer me up and some motivational stories and such.

remeber i told u guys the first time fullblown depression attack me when i was in my last semester during uni time? i never know she was really worried (when she say this tadi, i was overwhelmed). ye la jauh kot from labuan to bandun.

I dont talk much about my problems to my family. because i am like this, still. she said everyday she checked on my fb, to know whats going on with me. because i didnt have words to say to her, but it was only my distorted feeling. 

she told me just now how relieved she was because once i write a status on fb about SKITTLES. yes that colorful sedap chewy candy!

during 6 years my time bandung, never once i found any skittles being sold. And i am crazy about it.

so she reminds me about skittles story, about 4-5 years ago. All she want to know if i was ok. thats all. mmg aku x tau nak rasa apa dah tadi. 

proven sgt aku je feeling lebih haha. org masih peduli, tp lain org lain cara.

but this is something! SKITTLES!

because during those bad times, of course i tried to get out of the bed, take a shower, meeting people i hate, do my work in the clinic, go back, singgah beli skittles and eskrim Magnum, and let myself drifted with my feelings.

Its not as people say fake it till u make it.

its about fighting the inner demon that keeps dragging u into depair and hopelessness.

“inner demon”. wah rasa power gak english aku lol.

mom, i love u (i said this to her tadi), tp utk efek dramatik, i write it here again. 

although she possibly will never ever find out about my blog. now, wheres my skittles? πŸ™‚